Brown Thrasher Girl
March 6th, 2012

Obama to Seek to Double Tax Targets: Goes After The 2%

Posted by: Manny Bissel

A White House team meeting for several months in secret is set to announce a radical shift in the Administration’s policies toward upper income individuals and families in an attempt to double the number of targets for increased social scrutiny – and accompanying disdain - and as economic targets, or “enemies” in the words of one West Wing staffer.

Thebrownthrasher.com has learned that the team, whose working name in the White House is The Economic Enhancement Advisory Council, has “stumbled across a way to double the efforts to punish people who have been financially successful”, according to Iranian-born Valeria Jarrett, spokesperson for the Team.

Added Cecilia Munoz, “This was, like many ground-breaking innovations, sitting right there before us.”  It was an “epiphanic ‘duh’ moment,” according to Munoz, who gestured by punching her forehead with the heal of her hand.  “If 1% was gold, we figured, 2% was platinum . . . or some metal.”

The committee’s revelation was that if the Obama administration can engineer the hatred of 1% of the nation’s workers by the other 99%, there should be logically not reason why, by extension, that the Democrats could not get 98% of the people to resent the top 2%.  “This is like shooting fish in a barrel as far as sowing the seeds of envy and jealousy over another’s success,” said Melody Barnes, pictured below.  Barnes, policy director of The Center for American Progress, is best known for being considered one of the “five hundred most stylish women in Randle Highlands, Buena Vista, Naylor Gardens and Garfield Heights, according to Washingtonian Style. 

Fashionista Barnes, in addition to being a Nation’s Capital leader in the hunt for capitalists reportedly loves to shop “with my mom, and have a glass of wine and catch up.” She says about her love for designer suits, “You can wear the entire suit and be professional, or put the jacket on with jeans and be ready for a fun dinner with movers like Ben Cardin, Sherrod Brown . . . and shakers like Carl Levin, Patrick Leahy and Barbara Mikulski.  And, believe me, Barbara can really shake it . . . and that’s entirely off the record by the way.  Anyway, I also have a have a crazy collection of Wolford tights.  During the search for the 2%, I liked to wear my Blue Cult jeans. I have them in dark denim, white, and other colors.”  Barnes, who is widely admired for her “authenticism” says that her best fashion advice is to “be authentic . . . like Bernie Sanders and Debbie Stabenow.”  

Obama has previously stated that Munoz “has done an extraordinary job working on behalf of middle class families.”  Thebrownthrasher.com has discovered the transcript of a soon-to-be-released report of the “Enhancement Team”, written by Munoz, in which Obama states, “If the 1% are not middle class, well then, there’s no reason to believe that the 2% are middle class either . . . now is there?  The 2%ers are just as valid a target as the 1%.  Ninety-eight- to- two is not a long way from ninety nine-to-one.”  

The Committee did some analysis of extending the administration’s condemnation to the 3%, 4% and so on.  Jacob “Jack” Lew, the first orthodox Jew to hold the position of White House Chief of Staff, was reported to be a “voice of reason” when Austan Goolsbee, a University of Chicago professor, wished to extend the “them versus us” to a full fifty percent.  “Look,” Goolsbee is reported to have said, “this thing has real legs.  It is the bottom half versus the top half.  Think of this as March bracketology.  There is no reason why logically we can’t construe the upper half of Americans as the enemy.  One percent to fifty percent . . . it’s not so big a leap.”

For now, the team has apparently concluded that doubling the target of “rich capitalists who take, take, take” from 1% to 2% should suffice.  The Committee believes that by doubling their target that they may be able to catch, and therefore vilify, virtually every employee of Goldman Sachs, Morgan Stanley, Piper Jaffrey, Morgan Keegan and Antaeus Capital, plus get C.K. Cooper’s folks in the bargain.

“Many of these people own ten, fifteen, twenty neckties,” Lew pointed out.  “There is no reason to own this many neckties.  We have actually considered the ‘necktie test’ and have people report on a form we have designed for this purpose, the AW-96872-b, how many neckties they own to the IRS and various other government agencies.  This would really speed up the process of identifying that portion of the nation’s citizens who should be paying more in taxes, that is, our enemies.  If they have lots of Hermes brand ties, then so much the better.  These are very expensive ties not only made abroad, but constructed in foreign countries and shipped here, plus they are imported.  Hermes tie ownership might eventually become the Obama administrations’ proxy for the 2%, 5%, 20% . . . whatever number we settle to go after and persecute and try to publicly humiliate.”

On the other hand, sources said, Democrats were concerned that if they adopted the “Hermes necktie test”, that capitalists might just give their ties to their household staff or gardeners or drivers.  “That’s the last thing we need,” Munoz was claimed to have said,” A lot of Hispanics without papers going around wearing $200 neckties.  It’s going look silly and the 2% will take credit for helping the poor.”  It would be helpful, the Committee believed to drive high-net worth individuals entirely to Vineyard Vines, but not at the expense of seeing a lot of Hermes ties on immigrants buying yard supplies at Home Depot and Loew’s. 

There were other concerns.  Since the top 25% of taxpayers pay 86% of all income taxes and the top 10% pay 70% of all income taxes, “there’s a limit to how far we can go with this thing,” Melody Barnes said.   “We don’t want to spend a lot of time tugging on a bull’s teats.  We gotta hit the people who actually have got something.  I mean that Mexican senorita Munoz person and Lew the Jew at one point wanted to go to slamming the top 50%.  Fortunately we had an intern from the Wharton school taking notes.  He raised his hand and pointed out that the top 50% of income earners pay 98% of all taxes.  It’s pretty complicated stuff . . . something known to higher level economists as the Law of Marginally Diminishing Returns.  Lew said the whole thing was ‘cockamamie’, and I would have agreed, but didn’t know what that meant.”

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